No internet (eek)!

Hi people (if anyone reads this blog, lol! )!

I have been completely M.I.A., I know. the reason (main reason, anyway) is that we are without internet at home for the time being!
As I am an utter and complete internet junkie, this sucks. lol.

Another reason I haven't posted (besides the fact my life is boring and I suck at blogging) is that I am really unsure of myself at the moment... I feel a bit lost. I don't know what I want, who I want to be....how I want to be, or what I even really value in myself or how I define myself.

Fucking confusing. 

My workouts haven't been too great, my eating definitely hasn't been too great, and all in all I fell like most of what I post would be whining about "What the heck am I doing? How can I be happy? How do I get my motivation back?"

So, there you go, that's where I am right now.

I hope you all are happy and thriving! :D

Yay!

I went. I "farlek-ed" again. lol! sorry, I'm a little giddy. It is SO WARM out today, like over 70*. YES!
Ok, I won't put this in every time, but I didn't do exactly the route I said I would, so I am putting it in again right now. I just feel like it. :p



I'm feeling a bit bipolar right now. Yesterday was a really low day for me, and today is so much better so far!

I am trying to make food not such a focus in my life-- and when I eat, have it be light, (read: don't stuff self), healhty, and functional. So far today, so good.

So, it's so pretty out today and I felt like dressing up, which always helps one's mood-- and my leopard-print high heels (yes, it was an AWESOME impulse buy. ).

I'm going to go get an iced coffee at my sister's coffee place. :)

(Insert "Determined Face" Here)

I will come back and post after I have GONE FOR A RUN on this gorgeous day.

No being a lazy ass, Julia.

:p

EDIT: Ok I just have to state that I am incredibly smelly today, and need to go so I can come back and shower. Hehe.

No but seriously.  I am rank.

Edit#2:  Here is the route I am going on NOW.   I will most likely walk most of it. I am mainly putting this here because embedding things is awesome and I feel very high-tech.  Hahaha.

No laziness, or else!

I went for a run again yesterday! It sucked again though. I'll get it back-- I just need to get into the swing o' things.

I walked most of it, again, and actually halfway through I stopped back at my house for like 40 minutes because I was getting too many cramps.  :(

Then I went back out. It was about 4.5-ish miles total (not sure exactly because I suck at roads, lol).

 A run that usually would take me 40 min. took me an hour the other day and 55-ish minutes yesterday. A little better! (...Not counting the sitting in between...)

btw, if anyone likes to run ( /bike /even swim, I think) outside, www.mapmyrun.com is awesome. Really useful.

I've decided to stop buying pudding mix and little yogurts because I can't be trusted around them...I will eat only that and I really am feeling the need for some healthy food (like fruit and veggies and protein) right about now.

Yeah, so not much interesting here...Gonna do some gluteal work today, my bum has deflated once again...haha
It's GORGEOUS out, but I don't feel the motivation to go for a run. Probably tomorrow though.

Yesterday sucked, but I am GOING to get off the computer ASAP and GO. TO. THE. GYM. or I will kick my own butt.

:)

Cutting back

My mom decided that today she would sit me and my sister down for a "family meeting" (insert eye roll here), and tell us that we are poor and need to cut back even more.
And that we both need to get jobs, which I don't mind, I want one, but still. I have always--since I was very little-- been worried about money and whether we have enough to get things we need. Part of me resents that, because most kids don't usually worry about that especially at age 6, but I think that skill will also serve me well in life now that I am 18 and a "grown up" who has to do her taxes. Le sigh.

Also, I can't seem to get a handle on my eating-- I can't just have a "meal" and stop, it's constant snacking. It's like, once I start eating, I have to eat till I am in pain, and I don't like that. I need to fix that.
It makes my workouts suck too. :(

So I guess today isn't going to be the best of days but who knows, maybe it will turn around.
I wanted to get up early and go straight to the gym, but then I ended up waking up at 8:30, which is late for me, and then eating the entire world and yeah.

I need to call my dad about taxes and do homework, and apply for jobs.....

TTYL!

*Grin*

Mmm, I feel good today.
I went to yoga last night and then I went for a run this morning/afternoon. It took me an hour. :(

To be honest, my "run" was more like a "walk", with a little running thrown in here and there. I just can't tell when to stop eating before I go so I don't get cramps!

I was all set to go to the gym, but then I heard it's supposed to be a high of 70* today (WOOT!) and I was all "Hell, naw. I'ma gonna go for a run."
Lol!

*sighs happily* I LOVE running outside more than almost anything. well, that's a lie, but I like it a lot.

I'm going to go for a walk outside later-- the birds are all singing, it's still sunny (though they said it was supposed to rain), and the flowers are out! AND it smells like spring! AND its vacation!

I hope you all have AMAZING days!

(food choices today/lately...not so hot, but today cancels that out b/c it's so nice out. I need motivation to do better in that area though.)

Edit: Ooooh, I am SORE! yesterday I not only did yoga, which makes one sore if one hasn't done it in forever (see: me), but that AM I had done weights too. assisted pullups, (lol I can tell I babysit too much, that word makes me think of diapers and "I'm a big kid now!"<--in singsong ), situps, weighted lunges, deadlifts, i think some other stuff.
so, now my armpits and shoulders/chest hurt like a mofo and my legs are stiff.



.....*grin*

Mmmm, yoga.

I went to yoga tonight for the first time in months.  I don't see hoe anyone can try yoga and not fall in love with it. Yoga is ah-mazing. :)

It was mainly stretching this time-- my two main instructors are psychic, I think, because each class seems to be exactly what I want or need that day.

Oh, and did I mention that it is officially APRIL VACATION??!?!? Yeah! This week seemed like it would never. end. Especially today, it just dragggggged. 

So if you can't tell already, I suck at consistently blogging. Sorry. You're really not missing much. heh. 

Plans for vaca:   Work, a lot, and make money, because I am flat BROKE and want to buy stuff. :(     Oh, and do some homework too....I guess..... 

I thought this blog was going to be about health/fitness/food but seeing as I (at the moment) never eat "real" meals (I just snack on what I feel like eating, all day) unless I am at school and have to take along food, and also seeing as I have no camera anymore (*tear*), I think that's going to take a backseat for now.

Happy Friday everyone! Is anyone else as happy as I am that The Office premiered (finally!) yesterday-- and Bones is premiering on Monday?!?! 

I think I love TV just a lil too much. lol! :)

Ah, babysitting

I'm babysitting right now, but the kids are "asleep" (one is, one is banging around in her room, but I was told to ignore it, "she'll settle down", lol).  The older one is about 2 1/2, the younger just over 1. (Yeah, the parents are exhausted...poor guys.) 

This family is the cutest family in the world.  No lie. I love them. Plus they pay me $10/hour, so that's also good...

The kids are adorable, too. BUT, I'm 18 and am seriously unready for kids, so they get on my nerves sometimes (as kids do).

I had a great workout today! I haven't run for the majority of my workout for ages. I walked to the gym (we are living, at the moment, about a mile away....it rocks), only did cardio, cuz it was one of those days and was necessary, and walked home, ate the world, and then got a ride to work. And I will be able to replenish my debit card on Monday! Woot! lol, I'm broke. 

I have an issue with running, especially on a treadmill. I can't run for more than 2 minutes at a time. I suck. But I think--no, I know-- that it is more psychological than physical. That big red STOP button just stares me in the face. It says "Why keep going? You could just stop....just for a moment...you know you want to. C'mon. Do it."

I think over time though, it has turned into a physical issue, which I am working on. Slowly. lol.

I do prefer to run outside, but I am also a cold wuss, so the weather has to be perfect to do that...which in the northeast rarely occurs.

Wow, my blog is boring. :(  

Hey, I know, lets talk about food! Hehe.

I made the greatest sandwich for luch tomorrow. I love having to go to school and take food along- it forces me to eat quasi-healthy, because it's all I have...

Anyway, I used a La Tortilla Factory Fit 'n' Healthy Tomato Basil wrap, and I put fat free cream cheese, pesto, tomato, Lightlife soy bologna, onion, light mozzarella, baby spinach, pepper, and oregano...and I think that's it... 

School sucks, and my lunch is the highlight of my day. How sad. Haha. 

My sister has moved back from Cali, and I have mixed feelings about that.....I love her TO DEATH and we are uber-close, but also she is a pain in the ass. Lol!

I'm excited for her though, becuase she actually has a plan for her life (the lack of which has caused her a great deal of stress in the past).

I could go on and on about the inane crap in my life, but I will spare you and stop here. 

Hopefully I'll get a camera soon.

You know what's kind of weird? The longer I am not living in my old house, the more I miss it-- and it seems the less I am used to it.

I really fucking miss it right about now. I think we have decided to rebuild though, so yay!

Oh, I think I hear the baby waking up. 

Tomorrow is Monday....le sigh.... 

:)

I haven't posted since when?

Well, I have a good reason-- schoolwork. Ugh.

Apparently I owe a buttload of work in 3 different classes and they all chose to tell me within the same 2 days-- I thought I was caught up! Dammit. 

Anywho, there is always so much drama (at least lately) in my little otherwise boring world. 

I had something happen to my throat a few days ago--no idea what really happened--but you know when you get something stick in your throat, something like a chip or something scratchy, how it hurts like a bitch?  Well, I hadn't eaten anything like that all day, but it hurt so incredibly bad, like there was something in my throat. I was in so much pain that I resorted to gagging myself to try and get whatever it was out-- but it was bloody! And it still hurt! My mom thought it was a side effect of the Prozac, and contacted my doc, who said to stop it just in case (though she had never heard of that as being a side effect before).

So the next day, it didn't hurt at al, but the days after that have hurt very badly-- it's hard to swallow.

I can't really afford to go to a doctor, and I'm hoping it will heal on its own with soft foods, etc.

Ok, so this whole blog so far sounds like my whole life is one big blob of negativity. That's not true! I think I just vent the bad stuff here.

Good things: my cat is crazy and keeps attacking the rug in this house (she never did that at home, lol)

- My mom is getting a job, and working very hard at starting her own yoga therapy/life coach business (woo-hoo!) It's tough going, but she is qualified and I think people will really value her once she gets herself out there.

- my sister is taking control of her life, getting a plan (art school, job, therapy, etc)

- I am....plodding along in school to get out of here, lol

and its SPRING! :)

Happy Friday everyone! 

And thanks to Ashley for visiting/commenting! 

Overwhelmed, and I miss my camera

Too. Much. Schoolwork. 

Ugh. 

Which is why this will be uber-short...

I miss my digital camera. It is really weird to not have anything you are used to having, and have had, for years...

Like, ALL my stuff.

I actually made some real "meal-type things" today (I was way too proud of myself for that, hehe), and I wished I could add some "oomph" to this blog (everyone knows blogs without pictures are boring). 

Usually, I just snack all day-- with the exception of lunch, because I have to pack that. 

I'm working on my eating habits...I'm pretty healthy, but I definitely could do better.

No gym today, and that made it pooier.

Oh, and I dropped my cell phone in the toilet (seriously), not sure how, and now it is flipping out and doesn't work. I am hoping that plugging it in will help.

Oh dang, how will I sat an alarm tomorrow? Ah well. 

Ok, seriously need to study Arabic; I have a test tomorrow. 

It's frickin' hard! 

Happy Tuesday? I thought it was Wednesday for a minute a while ago, and I got all excited...oh well.

I've had worse Mondays

Today wasn't amazing. I am feeling a little overwhelmed by my schoolwork (another long story, but the short version is that a LOT of crap happened to our family this year, and I have also missed school due to illness quite a bit. Was this winter really bad, cold/virus wise, for anyone else?). 

However, I actually made it to the gym this morning! I am slowly working on running again, for a while there I was either sick or injured so I haven't been doing it as much as I'd like to. The weather is improving-- maybe son it will be warm enough for a jog outside!! :)

Well, I can't think of anything else to say at the moment, so I guess I'll jump into the tale of the steaming pile of poo that is my school career. 

When I left for my ED treatment freshman year of high school, I got a little behind, but not too bad. I could have finished that up in summer school. But then I decided that " I wasn't ready" to go back to public school the next year, so I self-taught. Alone. In the library, every day. It sucked. It also was really bad for my recovery, too, because I was so isolated. It was also tough because there were no teachers-- I had to read the books and do the work all by myself. I suffer from un-motivated-ness when it comes to schoolwork, so I didn't finish it all.

Then, when I decided to come back the next year, I was severely behind.

So, I had to finish English, and a whole math course-- which I did. Then, on January 5 of this year, my house burnt down. (That's a whole other story. ) Yep. Awesome. And guess what was in my room? Yep. My math. And my backpack. And my ROOM.

So we had to live in a hotel for a while, and now we are renting a temporary house near town. 

I missed school (a week and a bit) for that too, so I am more behind. Then I got sick twice, and got more behind. ARG. 

Oh, and then the school tells me that "I never finished Civics and World Issues" (both sophmore classes--I'm a senior), though they said before that I had, so now I have to take those classes too, and I feel very awkward. Ah, whatever.

So what do I do instead of homework? I go online. *smacks self* hehe.

Yeah, so I should probably go do that.  :)

I feel like such a cliche...

Wow, ok, so here's my blog. Haha, I am laughing at myself even for starting one.

I guess....I just want a place to record my attempts at being happy, and healthy, and generally working on myself.

I could just write in a journal, but if it's public I guess I am more accountable for my failures and successes.

Happy Easter everyone!

I am by no means religious, AT ALL, but a holiday is always nice.

Stuff about me:

I am 18 years old, and a senior in high school. When I was younger, I had a series of experiences that really shaped my life, so I want to put them down here.

I always felt chubby as a kid. I was, but I wasn't severely overweight (at 11 or 12, I was 5'4" and 155 lbs.) When you are surrounded by skinny, judgmental, preadolescent children, it can be tough on the psyche. 

When I was 14, I became anorexic, pretty severely, and had to be hospitalized. At 5'7", my lowest weight was (briefly) 85 lbs. I went in on October 20, 2004, and I got out of the hospital psych ward a few weeks later. I was pretty fucked up though, and made worse by the psych ward,which had no section for anorexic teens, just general "nuttiness", haha. So, I had to go back. After weeks and weeks of waiting, a spot in McLean's Eating Disorder ward opened up and I was sent there. (I had to be sedated to be put in the car to go, I seriously flipped out.). 

That place, while better than the psych ward, wasn't really much help, as I am the type of person who is so stubborn she will shoot herself in the foot just to get her way. 

So, it just took time. They made me eat and gain weight, and once I did and was released, I lost it all again and started real recovery, my way. It was extremely slow. I was in the 90#-range for about a year, and my mother, bless her, was so patient, even though I must have scared the shit out of her. 

So, slowly, I recovered, and gained weight, and for about 2 years now, I have been really really un-anorexic, lol.

I am 118-120 lbs, still thin, but healthy. 

I love to exercise, (running especially) but not too much, and I love to eat. I have some unhealthy habits, but they are in no way anorexic ones. In fact, I have issues with eating too much at times. 

I think part of the reason I got my ED is because (I have recently realized) I have had a chemical imbalance that has made me depressed almost my whole life. My dad has it too.

So, finally, I got so fed up I went to a therapist/psychiatrist who prescribed me Prozac, which I have been on for almost 2 weeks now. I notice a dramatic difference. I feel...lighter. Happy, for no reason. I never felt happy before. I feel like things can be fun, and I have more physical and emotional energy. 

I am NOT a fan of drugs. I only want this to be temporary. However, I couldn't live the way I was anymore. I was so unhappy, and isolated, and depressed...

But I have hope now, and I want to live a REAL life.

There's always room for improvement. :)

There is so much more about me that I think anyone who needs to understand the goal of this blog needs to know, but I will write more later.

Hopefully this blog will become more interesting (and more picture-ful) in the near future (I need to get a digital camera).

Happy Easter, and happy spring, everyone! :)