Sunday, March 23, 2008

I feel like such a cliche...

Wow, ok, so here's my blog. Haha, I am laughing at myself even for starting one.
I guess....I just want a place to record my attempts at being happy, and healthy, and generally working on myself.
I could just write in a journal, but if it's public I guess I am more accountable for my failures and successes.
Happy Easter everyone!
I am by no means religious, AT ALL, but a holiday is always nice.
Stuff about me:
I am 18 years old, and a senior in high school. When I was younger, I had a series of experiences that really shaped my life, so I want to put them down here.

I always felt chubby as a kid. I was, but I wasn't severely overweight (at 11 or 12, I was 5'4" and 155 lbs.) When you are surrounded by skinny, judgmental, preadolescent children, it can be tough on the psyche. 
When I was 14, I became anorexic, pretty severely, and had to be hospitalized. At 5'7", my lowest weight was (briefly) 85 lbs. I went in on October 20, 2004, and I got out of the hospital psych ward a few weeks later. I was pretty fucked up though, and made worse by the psych ward,which had no section for anorexic teens, just general "nuttiness", haha. So, I had to go back. After weeks and weeks of waiting, a spot in McLean's Eating Disorder ward opened up and I was sent there. (I had to be sedated to be put in the car to go, I seriously flipped out.). 
That place, while better than the psych ward, wasn't really much help, as I am the type of person who is so stubborn she will shoot herself in the foot just to get her way. 
So, it just took time. They made me eat and gain weight, and once I did and was released, I lost it all again and started real recovery, my way. It was extremely slow. I was in the 90#-range for about a year, and my mother, bless her, was so patient, even though I must have scared the shit out of her. 
So, slowly, I recovered, and gained weight, and for about 2 years now, I have been really really un-anorexic, lol.
I am 118-120 lbs, still thin, but healthy. 
I love to exercise, (running especially) but not too much, and I love to eat. I have some unhealthy habits, but they are in no way anorexic ones. In fact, I have issues with eating too much at times. 
I think part of the reason I got my ED is because (I have recently realized) I have had a chemical imbalance that has made me depressed almost my whole life. My dad has it too.
So, finally, I got so fed up I went to a therapist/psychiatrist who prescribed me Prozac, which I have been on for almost 2 weeks now. I notice a dramatic difference. I feel...lighter. Happy, for no reason. I never felt happy before. I feel like things can be fun, and I have more physical and emotional energy. 
I am NOT a fan of drugs. I only want this to be temporary. However, I couldn't live the way I was anymore. I was so unhappy, and isolated, and depressed...
But I have hope now, and I want to live a REAL life.
There's always room for improvement. :)

There is so much more about me that I think anyone who needs to understand the goal of this blog needs to know, but I will write more later.
Hopefully this blog will become more interesting (and more picture-ful) in the near future (I need to get a digital camera).

Happy Easter, and happy spring, everyone! :)


ashley said...

What an awesome story! Thanks for being so honest and open about it. Keep up the blog- it is an awesome experience.

operaticfoodie said...

If you're a cliche, then I'm part of the cliche. I've never suffered from being too skinny, but I've had my share of food issues- bulimia being a rather unpleasant one. It's tough to create a healthy relationship with food. I've been working on it for a really long time, but lately it feels like I'm backtracking. I'm glad I found your blog though. It seems like you and a I can relate on a lot of things.
Hope things are well for you :)